Warning before reading.
This blog is ME healing.
This blog is ME working through MY emotions/brain/heart.
This blog goes in many directions but I tried very hard to keep it linked together.
This blog may be hard to read for anyone that has suffered the loss of a baby.
This blog is ME HEALING and using my fingers to type MY emotions.
Life as a Goal Box. You are probably asking, What the?
Let me ask you.. have you ever played Soccer? Ever played the position of Goalie?
From the moment I learned how to walk (well probably not that early but this is my story) I played Soccer. It was my thing and I loved it. We learned in my MSI days that I was a pretty good Goalie. I would share the position at first with the coaches daughter but soon that goal box no matter which field we played was MINE. All Mine!! Trust me when I say nothing was getting past me to my box! I had a kick ass team that kept the ball away from my side of the field most games (and you would literally see me doing cartwheels of boredom in my goal box most games) but when the ball got close I was ready. I would kick, punch, jump on, and even tackle if I had to. You were not getting that ball in my goal. I played soccer well into my high school years with pretty much the same core team, and went Unscored upon!! Then life (or shall I say boys) happened, and my soccer career was over.
Why do I explain all this??
Having the Goalie experience for most of my childhood I look at life now through a "goal box point of view". I think of challenges as soccer balls being kicked at me. If you have never stood in that box with an opposing team coming at you, you may not understand. But I truly hope you get the jist of it.
Well this summer my life has been attacked!! There have been multiple balls coming at me all at once!
Sometimes as a Goalie you have this crazy event happen called a "Shoot Out". Ever been in one? Or witnessed one?
The Goalie stands there in their goal box on the white line staring at the opposing team in a line ready to kick a ball into your box to score and Game Over! Look at their feet! Not their eyes! Follow the ball! Jump! Leap! Punch! Kick! Tackle! Do whatever you have to to keep that ball from entering!
I will not go into to much details on certain balls that came at me but let me tell you there were plenty and all at once instead of one at a time. How do you watch a team full of balls coming at you at once?
Imagine a team instead of one by one standing there in a back to front line, imagine them all standing there shoulder to shoulder on your penalty line, and all with a ball at their feet, and all about to kick at the same time. How do you block each one?
YOU CAN NOT!!
Let me be the first Goalie to tell you taking 2 balls out at once is HARD! Taking 3 out at once is IMPOSSIBLE but a team full of balls!!! I cracked and cracked hard!!
1 ball being the choice to close the baby factory (Hardest Choice I have ever made)
1 ball being family member completely canceling out of our family
1 ball being marriage and accusations of affairs
1 ball being children (having 7 there are many subcategories, choose one)
1 ball being an unexpected GIFT from God baby #8
1 ball being more accusations of affairs
1 ball and biggest of all balls to ever come at me loosing baby #8
SCORE?!?!
Did life just score on me?? Did I let the Devil defeat me??
Excuse my French but
HELL NO!!
It is still raw and I am still dealing with the black eye, broken elbow, bruise on my head from hitting the goal post and kicked shin from tackling this ball. But I am laying on it and taking the kicks! It will not pass my white line! It tried hard! And this is raw emotion here but I cussed out God! Yes you read that right! I gave him the finger and a mouth full. I am still angry my baby is not in my belly and those feeling still tear at my heart and I still find myself shedding a tear and begging for my baby back. But I do know my God loves me and I do know it is unconditional and He will never leave me. This baby did have life! This baby will be waiting for me to hold him tight in Heaven (I say him not cause I was told or saw but I knew. I knew this baby when God gave him to me. I took test after test till it was confirmed cause I just knew. I knew he was a boy. I named him Nathaniel James).
Again I say it is all still raw. I have a great "team" in life now with the friends God has blessed me with. The out pouring of love and support has been amazing! I truly do not know how I would have gotten through the day the baby was taken out of me without the unconditional love and support of my SS Rachel. She was here with my mother in law watching my blessings while Clay and I were at the hospital for "the procedure". That 2 hours of waiting time was HARD! Crying, praying, crying, cussing, you name it I did it and Clay just held my hand. There is no way to prepare your heart or brain for all those smells, hearing the carts rolling down the hall behind the curtain and hoping to see a nurse walk in with a warmer for the baby you are about to have. Nope, it was not that joyful experience. It was hell smelling those smells knowing I was there for what I was there for, getting IVs and tests and such then to top it all off the worst Hellish Nightmare of having to be wheeled out to your car with No Baby!! There is no worse feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I asked to please walk. I explained to the poor nurse what she was putting me through but she had to do her job and she had to give me the sympathetic smile. I have 7 blessings at home. I know exactly what I was just robbed of and jipped out of. And yes I use those words knowing I will one day meet my son but I am human and I have raw emotions.
The only way to experience Pure Joy and Pure Happiness is to experience HELL on Earth right?!?!
When I walked in my house door to my kids all excited to see me and Rachel standing there my knees went weak. I fell on her like I have never fallen on another. To say she held me up through this would be an understatement! So thankful for her. She does in fact carry my heart in her heart! I thank God for MUM preschool and Myspace for putting us together! Rachel will always be my "Myspace stalker" :-) I love you SS and I praise God for you and all the blessings being your friend has bestowed on me, my life and my family. Best friends showed up with gifts and Chocolate and cards and giving of their time and hearts to me and my family. The amount of chocolate, flowers, hugs, dinners and more!! Amazing!! I am blessed by my siblings in Christ! Thank you all! Each of you know exactly who you are and exactly where you stand in my heart! There are no words! I am GRATEFUL for you!
The past few months I have been in the playoff soccer game of my life. Some days I honestly thought I was not going to make it. Some days I wanted to turn my back on each ball coming at me and let it in. And to be quite honest there was a day or two that I laid on my bathroom floor and let the tears just flow with no care of the balls coming at me. Just yesterday as my husband asked me to join them at church I hugged him tight and said I am angry at God and can not pray. You want to talk about a lost and heartless feeling. This playoff Game has been the hardest I have yet to battle and each day I see a new team with a new set of balls standing there waiting to come at me.
The words people say to you when they are trying to help!! Oh good God!! "You have been blessed with 7." "You were only 11 weeks." "But at least you still have him (pointing to the screaming baby boy on my hip)." The unthoughtout comments were endless. So bad I turned off my phone and laptop for days and hid in my house. Those words even with good intentions behind them split those soccer balls into a ton of little bouncy balls and they are all directed right at my heart. Have you ever tried to block a handful of tiny bouncy balls coming at you?
Dodge ball game from hell!!
That is what the Devil does. He sees your challenge and he multiplies it by a hundred. But do you know what our Lord and Savior does?
He shields you! He puts up this cape of security and blocks them all in one swipe of his arm. BUT in order for Him to do that you have to pray and ask Him.
Have you done it? Have you tried to do it while mad at Him?
Surrender. Surrender your Goal Box. I know I have to do it. I know I will do it. But it takes time and it takes healing. Today I feel like I am still healing. I know I am sitting on his lap and I know he is wiping each tear just waiting for me to ask Him to take those balls. I ask for your prayers for healing. I know He is my salvation but the pain of the loss is still raw
